Lt. Mitch Buchannon and his band of lifeguards have to stop a drug ring threatening to take over the bay.
Con – Low hanging fruit
Baywatch is rated R. This is relevant for two reasons. First, unlike its source material, it is full of adult language, vulgar gags, and lewd jokes. The second reason is that these things make up the majority of the “comedy” in the Baywatch movie, and that’s the problem. R-rated movies can use their R rating to be really funny (see last year’s Deadpool), but in Baywatch this content seems to be the only way the director thinks he can make the audience laugh. It’s unfortunate, too, because Baywatch is full of talented and funny actors who are given very little to work with outside of the “f word” and male anatomy sight gags. Frankly, much of the humor might elicit a laugh here or there, but overall it’s just not very funny, and it’s certainly not very creative.
Con – Wasted talent
Baywatch is full of beautiful, talented people who are fun to watch. It’s greatest sin is wasting those people. Baywatch does have some enjoyable parts and some entertainment value. How could it not? Dwayne Johnson, Zac Efron, Alexandra Daddario, and Priyanka Chopra are all good actors who are fun to watch. Daddario and Efron, especially, display some fun chemistry. The rest of the cast is good, too.
The problem for Baywatch is that the script gives them very little to work with. The lowbrow humor is wasted on people with actual comedy chops, and that’s too bad.  There is an unlikely romance that is handled surprisingly well, and it has to be said, the cast has enough charm to still make much of the film enjoyable, even if it’s not particularly good.
Con – Lost at sea
Baywatch is a movie lampooning a TV show. Much of the non-vulgar jokes are a meta-wink to the ridiculousness of a TV show based on life guards who think they can solve crimes, rescue people from burning boats, and stop drug smuggling rings.  The problem is, the TV show already knew this. In the case of the successful reboot of 21 Jump Street, that movie took a serious TV show, lampooned it, and put a fun twist on it. Here, you have a movie laughing at its source material, but the source material already did that.
There is nothing new to see here. The TV show was self-aware about its slow-mo running, its ridiculous overstepping of boundaries, and its superhero in orange shorts characters. Pointing that out constantly in the film just feels tired and unoriginal. What gets lost is the sense of fun, the coolness of the beach life, and an interesting take to justify this movie existing.
Baywatch has too much talent to not provide some popcorn-fare enjoyment if you’re really bored, but it is unoriginal, juvenile, and just not very good.